We cannot discuss slaying our lives without talking about boundaries, right? You may be scratching your head and asking “Well, how the hell do I set boundaries?” I understand this feeling very well. There was a time when I was unable to articulate what a boundary even is, let alone assert one. How nice it would have been to learn these important tools earlier on in life.
My goal is to share the very affirmations, exercises, and tools that uplift and empower me every day to live authentically and hold myself in high regard. It took many years of life’s hard lessons, such as being bullied, countless heartbreaks, and many crushing disappointments to really understand boundaries and the importance of setting them up.
So here we are - and what I want to share with you Queen is how to have a healthy ‘No’ practice in place. If this sounds a bit scary or feels uncomfortable, then guess what - you are in the right place! Try to imagine asserting healthy boundaries as the golden pathway to self-respect and self-love.
One of the first questions I ask my clients is would you say that you tend to say “yes” to a lot of requests from others? Most of the time the answer is “yes” and as I dig a little deeper, the conversation tends to lead into all the underlying reasons – I want to be helpful. I want to please people. I feel guilty if I say no. It feels good to be needed. I worry that I might lose friendships. These feelings and behaviors stem from what is known as being a people pleaser. A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from themselves. I encourage you to ask yourself if you often go out of your way to please someone, even if it means taking your own valuable time or resources away from yourself.
As a Transformational Life Coach, the work that I put out into the world is inspired by my personal experiences and my authentic connection with myself. My self-love is driven by my mindful choices and now my creativity reflects how I make myself a priority. I am so excited to share an especially useful tool that will empower you to make decisions that support your top life priorities whenever opportunities should arise.
STEP 1: The first step in asserting boundaries is identifying the different types of boundaries. Let’s list out the several types and then we’ll dive deeper into it:
Emotional Boundaries – involve separating your feelings from another's feelings. Violations include taking responsibility for another's feelings, letting another's feelings dictate your own, sacrificing your own needs to please another, blaming others for your problems, and accepting responsibility for theirs. Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else's. It's like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others.
Intellectual Boundaries - refer to your thoughts, ideas, and curiosity. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for the ideas of other people, and they can be violated when your thoughts and curiosity are shut down, dismissed, or belittled.
Physical Boundaries - pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. You might enjoy public displays of affection or be uncomfortable with them. If your partner kisses you in public and you are uncomfortable with it, you are allowed to let them know.
Sexual Boundaries - refer to your expectations around physical intimacy. What is and isn't okay with you sexually? Boundaries around frequency, sexual comments, unwanted sexual touch, expectations around others’ involvement in your sex life, and what sexual acts are preferred and off-limits, should be discussed.
Financial Boundaries - they are rules you set in place to balance the relationship between your finances, your loved ones, and yourself.
STEP 2: The next step is listing your top 5 priorities in your life. Some examples of my own personal top priorities are:
1. My physical, mental & spiritual health
2. My living space and workspace
3. Healthy relationships: family, personal & professional
4. My business
5. The well-being of my listeners and readers
Make a list of your top 5 life priorities.
Sometimes what can deplete us most, is simply over-committing ourselves or saying yes to the wrong things. Many of us want to help those around us or are simply good at many tasks, and we find ourselves saying yes simply because we know we can do it. It is great to want to help others out, but we also have to check to see whether we are chronically saying yes to other people’s agendas without making much forward movement on our own.
STEP 3 - YOUR ACTION STEP: Having a healthy ‘No’ practice in place means pausing between someone’s request of your time & energy, and your answer.
During this pause, ask yourself:
“If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?”
“Will saying yes to this move me closer to my top 5 life priorities, or further away?”
Here’s where the magic happens! When you have identified your top life priorities and have them at the forefront of your mind, you have the clarity you need to then determine whether your decisions are in support of the most important things in your life. This actually becomes a fun practice, and you may surprise yourself with your innate ability to make the healthiest judgment calls that will move you closer to your goals and dreams. I do not use the word practice lightly. Like a physical fitness or nutrition routine, the practice requires an action plan, consistency, and repetition. When you’ve allowed yourself the gift of pausing and analyzing the situation and your honest answer is ‘No’ you are entitled to protect your time, energy, and priorities. You are totally allowed to respond with a simple and polite answer such as “That does not work for my schedule.”
Be patient with yourself, be mindful, and I dare you to have fun with the boundary-setting opportunities.
-Nikki Frechette
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